The Road to Better Communication

The more time I spend on this planet, the more I have come to really appreciate communication. I have also come to realise that good, clear communication is an underrated ability and underused skill. This has been a key topic for me in recent weeks in both my personal and professional life. Observing and being part of some not so successful interactions, it has highlighted how ineffective verbal and non-verbal communication can lead to all manner of misunderstandings, arguments, missed opportunities, unproductive time, accidents - some of which are quite avoidable.

I feel driving can often present opportunities for good and awful displays of communication. I will share one my pet peeves with you which I feel is a simple yet good illustration of poor communication. When a driver fails to signal when they are turning into or out of a road, it is not only rage inducing, it also means that other drivers cannot move accordingly and it slows down the flow of traffic. Flicking the indicator or turn signal is a seemingly easy task that requires very little physical or cognitive effort and yet here I am ranting. And before you say, “but Louise maybe they just forgot on that one occasion”. Possibly but I can name at least three busy junctions where this happens frequently on this beautiful island. If you also drive in Barbados, I am sure you have also just thought of three similar junctions yourself!

So what is the issue? Not with me and my road rage but with those who don’t signal. Indicating is a form of communication that requires us to be clear, to be present, to be aware of our surroundings, empathetic, and willing to adjust our behaviours according to past experiences. In essence, most if not all, forms of communication require these skills. What causes us to miscommunicate and how do we improve our interactions?

Modern technology is often blamed for robbing us of our ability to communicate effectively. Conversely, technology has given us more opportunities and mediums to express ourselves according to our or our recipient’s communication style or requirements. If the tone of an email is unclear, we can record a voice note. If the voice note is confusing, you can send a video or jump on a video call so that your facial expressions can be seen. I don’t feel that technology is to blame, and I would argue that this is not a modern phenomenon. If I were a betting woman I would wager that the fifth word spoken by early humans was probably miscommunicated and led to an argument. As mentioned in my driving rant, communication requires many skills beyond the words we choose. These are skills that we have to continuously develop and reflect on who we are and why we do what we do. All is not lost. There are a few ways we can improve our communication including: 

(Self)-reflection
Every interaction we have with people (good or bad) offers us a chance to improve our communication. Reflective practice is an invaluable tool for me as a practitioner and as a human navigating life. It enables us to break down and evaluate an experience and develop ways to improve in the future.

Consider a challenging experience you have had recently:

• Write down the facts of what happened, including your role, other people involved and the outcome. Leave emotions out of it for now - that will come next.

• Write down the thoughts, feelings or physical reactions you had during the situation. 

• List the things that went well and the things that didn’t go as well, including how your role positively or negatively affected the situation.

• Write down the things you have learned, what you would do in the future if a similar situation presented itself, and the resources or information you would need to have to help you do this.

(Based on the Gibbs Reflective Cycle)

One of the reasons that I love and also sometimes struggle with reflective practice is that it focuses on “I”. It forces us to take responsibility for our actions and our role in events when we would rather cast ourselves as the hero or the victim. You may just find that you are the villain of the piece. Reflective practice is empowering because it enables us to develop the language to express our thoughts and feelings, needs and desires, and develop empathy for others which will improve our interpersonal relationships. The more we engage with reflective practice, the easier it becomes.

Stay Curious
I am naturally an inquisitive person and it is no surprise that I ended up in a career where I have to ask people about their birth traumas or bowel habits. However, somewhere along the way, many of us were taught that curiosity is a dangerous trait, reinforced by the tale of the curious cat. If not dangerous, then at least an annoying trait. Even the most patient person will be tested by the never-ending “why” asked by an innocent child as they try to make sense of the world. Staying curious by asking questions and asking follow-up questions helps us to avoid danger and making assumptions. In our interpersonal relationships, it gives people space to openly share and helps us to better understand the person we are trying to communicate with. I am also mindful that not everyone is comfortable talking about their birth or their bowels, so being curious needs to come with a side of respect for boundaries.

Win or Lose?
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of communication is accepting that it is not about winning every dispute. (Please unclench your jaw!) If your intention is to make sure your point is accepted as the winning argument, you may have lost before you’ve even begun. If your goal is for all parties to openly share their experience, feelings, to ask questions and to establish ways to improve your communication in future - you may be onto something. My personal desire for better communication is unashamedly self-serving. Whether on the road or in relationships - I want as smooth a journey as possible.